Lisa (tankonempty) wrote in feelinfinite,

1 step forward.. two steps back.

im making too many wishes & dreaming too many dreams & then i stop & think.. the world shouldnt be like this at all. all i want is peace. that's it. i never ask for much. all i want is a simple thought & if not, a sincere handshake would do me nicely. life were never perfect for me. nothing ever just happened to fall into place, it just was. at a certain point, that i cant remember, i learned to adapt, simply because, i didnt feel like it would be changing anytime soon. all the screaming in my background.. the falling, the tears. sometimes more screams more often, a heart breaking. distance & yet i am right there. nothing is happening. this is normal. i dont even have to drown them out with scarling anymore. i just cry. i dont know why, but i feel like im always going to be living in the 'one step forward, two steeps back' part of my life.. forever. i have failed myself so many times now, it doesnt even make me sick to my stomach anymore when i hear the news- i just think about dying & how bad the timing is off, because i dont wonna go out this way. i'll probably be 20 years old before i graduate highschool, when i wonna make it somewhere, so i can look down & say with tears of joy.. "my journey to the top wasnt easy. life has never gone easy on me". It's something to be proud of to me.. i said. im stuck. nevermind. i just made my 1 step forward & i've got a feeling that with the next 2 steps i take back, im gonna wake up in a hospital. at least thats what i hope.
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